Long Time Gone... and a birth story.

Long time no see!?!  It’s been over a year since I last posted.  I know I could offer every reason in the book as to why I haven’t posted.  I am sure all of my followers are gone, and that is fine.  Maybe some of you stuck around, and for that I am eternally grateful.  I am back.  However things have forever changed in my world, but for the better.  I am still creating, and have been, but just haven’t posted anything or even taken pictures of anything.  I am regretting that at the moment, but I know there will be many more things to post. 

So at the beginning of last year I turned 30.  I must admit, I was NOT happy about the milestone Birthday.  So many things that I said I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 30.  The list was long and daunting mentally at times.  Perhaps out of reach?  Maybe?  Sometimes I felt like I was setting goals and aspiring to be more than what I could actually accomplish in life.  I was a big dreamer.  I knew I was.  In being a big dreamer there are more opportunities for disappointment.  I lived a majority of my life disappointed.  Disappointed in choices I had made, and things I did, and even things I didn’t do.  I was never one to take chances, and that has hurt me in the long run.  So, yeah, am I getting all psychological now?  Yes, and in a moment you will know why I am writing all of this.  There is a reason for the background.  My creativity was an outlet.  It was my therapy.  My happy place.  Now my whole world is my happy place.

Along with this turning 30 funk, I had no motivation, no inspiration, and no want/need to create.  I went MONTHS without setting foot in my craft room.  I didn’t miss it.  I didn’t know at the time, but something was completely different with me, and might have been the reason that I didn’t create anything with paper.

I was creating something else.  I was pregnant.

I am not going into personal details.  I am not going to get into the exact description of things.  But I will say this.  I didn’t know I was pregnant.  I didn’t have any symptoms until July.  On July 27^th, I took a home pregnancy test and the results were positive.  On August 8^th, the doctor confirmed I was pregnant, and was due October 31^st.  Yes, due October 31^st.  That was 3 months away.  I was shocked, terrified, scared, worried… excited, thrilled, happy, crying, and holey moley we have A LOT to do!!!!

I had never wanted children.  My husband did.  I was worried about if I would be a good mother or not.  I was worried about financially supporting a child.  I was worried about everything!  I wasn’t always that way.  When I was little, and even in high school I said I wanted 4 kids!  But then the reality of adulthood sets in, and maybe… well… things aren’t always what they seem.  Looking back now, I will be honest, I don’t know if I truly never wanted kids, or if I talked/worried myself out of wanting them.  But God had a different plan in mind than I did.  I am glad He did. 

So, was pregnancy the reason I didn’t feel creative?  I don’t know.  But I do know one thing;  my creative juices are flowing like crazy, and now I don’t have the time to create what I want!  But that is ok.  For, I am abundantly happy, and never knew the reason why I was so unhappy was because I had not been a mother. 

Friday, October 19^th, I receive a phone call from my doctor.  He tells me the results of a test I had taken the previous day, and recommends that I go to the hospital on Sunday evening to start induction.  I finish packing my bag (which I had not finished), and try to not think too much about what is getting ready to happen.  Not the arrival of little one by any means, but the mere thought of childbirth, well, it scared the crud out of me to be honest.  Also due to the results of my test there was a 50/50 chance that I might have to have a c-section.  Needless to say, I was terrified. 

I will make a long story short.  I began induction around 8pm on Sunday evening.  At 2am on Monday I began actively having contractions.  I held out until 1pm on Monday for the epidural (I was very proud of that!).  After waiting all day, at 10:30 that evening, they decided that baby needed to come out.  I was going to have a c-section. 

At that moment I was scared.  I was confused.  I was wondering why it had to happen this way.  But ultimately, I knew I wanted my baby, our baby, to be safe and healthy.  I knew that it wasn’t about me.  It was about this baby that we were bringing into the world.  It was time to meet the little guy or girl.  We didn’t know what the gender of our baby was prior to birth, so that we could have the ultimate surprise at the end!  I do remember throughout the day hearing cries of babies down the hall, and getting upset that our baby didn’t wanting to come out into this world yet.  I longed to meet the little one, and wondering if I did something wrong.  I guess that goes along with being a mother, and I was about to become one.

I remember the frenzy of nurses swarming around me, and it all happened so quickly!  I remember my husband, who never left my side that whole time reassuring me that everything would be fine.  I remember him looking at me teary eyed knowing I was scared, and yet trying to be brave himself.  I remember my Mama, who had been in the hospital room all day with us, was scared, but yet trying to be brave.  I remember her lips quivering when she gave me a kiss before they wheeled me off to surgery.  I remember my husbands’ lips doing the same.  I remember telling myself that this was it, and that I had to be brave and calm, and all would be well.  I remember watching my husband put on scrubs, and a surgical mask, and that’s when it hit me.  I began shaking.  I remember thinking – don’t show your fear.  You can do this.  You can do this for your baby.  I get to meet my child.  I get to meet this little person that has been kicking me and had the hiccups (a lot).  I get to witness a miracle.

As they were wheeling me down the hallways past the rooms where every other woman’s baby came into this world already, I began to panic.  I was never so scared as I was during those moments.  When I saw the operating room, I closed my eyes, I said an Our Father, followed by a Hail Mary.  Then I remember asking my Daddy, who died when I was 6, to give me some of his strength.  I was freezing cold, shaking profusely.  They laid a warm blanket across my chest.  I remember asking where my husband was, for he was not in the room with me yet.  He was waiting outside per his orders.  I needed him there with me.  He was my solid rock that I needed.  I needed to gaze into his eyes to know that everything was going to be ok.  I remember feeling sick.  I remember… “are we ready?  OK we are starting.”  Dear God, Please be with me.

I don’t remember much of what was next.  I told my husband that he needed to talk to me.  He asked about what, and I said “anything.”  The two doctors were talking about a trip to Nashville.  You are cutting me open and you are talking about Nashville!?!?  Since it was after hours, my doctor wasn’t performing the c-section, his associate was.  I remember hearing a suction noise, and then he said “we have a baby!”  My husband and I looked at each other, and I said “what is it?”  Then there was a pause, “it’s definitely a girl! Happy Birthday!  Congratulations!”  Then I heard a sound that I will never forget.  It was the sound of my new daughter crying for the first time.  She made her first mark on the world, and it was the sweetest sound my ears ever heard.  I have a daughter.  I have become a mother.

“Look to your left, Mom, and you will see your new daughter.”  She was wiggling, and crying, pink in color.  She was perfect.  She was mine.  She was ours.  She was healthy.  She was here.  My heart was full.

Joanna Rose was born at 11:06 pm on October 22, 2012.  She weighed 7lbs. 6oz., and was 19.5 inches long. 

My husband wanted to stay by my side.  But I kept saying – “go, go! Take pictures!”  He disappeared for a bit.  His job was to capture the moments that I could not see from the curtain that my head was above.  I heard the nurses call out the weight and length and time.  I remember it felt like an eternity and then that moment came.  My husband came around the curtain.  He had in his arms a camera, and a little bundle of white blanket with blue and pink stripes and a little pink hat.  He had tears in his eyes, and a grin from ear to ear.  I could tell he was proud.  I asked him to turn her towards me so I could see her face.  That image is burned in my memory forever.  A perfect little face, perfect little nose, perfect little eyes, ears, and a full head of dark hair and a perfectly rounded head..  I cried.  I couldn’t believe it.  I met my daughter.  I met my beautiful little Rose. 

More to come on this story later.