Monday, March 25, 2013

Remember this:

Ever since October 22, when our little Rose came into our world and even during the long crazy birthing process, I kept thinking “remember this.” 

As I would gaze at her in the hospital – remember this.
As I saw my husband talk to her for the first time, and stare at her – remember this.
The look on the family member’s faces, when they came into recovery and saw her for the first time – remember this.
The first time I nursed her. 
The first night with her – I admit, I slept with her on my chest.
The ride home from the hospital, I cried the whole way.
Those eyes as they were beginning to focus on things. 
The first time she looked at me.
Her first bath – how terrified I was I would hurt her!
Her umbilical cord fell off and she had a belly button.
The first smile, first sounds she made in an attempt to talk, first time she reached for something and grabbed it successfully.
The first night she slept all the way through and me waking up terrified that something happened.  She slept all night = Mama slept all night.

Even this:  Remember when she ate Nemo!

Remember this, Mary.  Remember this.

Even now, when I am feeding her, or simply changing her diaper, I tell myself that I need to remember these moments.  Almost take a mental snapshot of that moment that is happening before my eyes, and tuck it away in my memory because these moments are flying by.  She is already 5 months old, and time is already flying.  I know it will only go faster. 

These moments are so precious.  But, so are the not-so-happy moments.  Those are worth remembering too.

The pain from my c-section was beyond anything I could imagine, and the recovery period was long, but I made it.
The visit to her doctor to only realize I was starving her, and wasn’t producing milk.  I was devastated.
Her first diaper rash was a real doozie.  I remember crying with her.

All of these sad moments that I experienced with her, especially the not being able to nurse her as I so desperately wanted to do, I need to remember.  I need to remember the emotional pain I felt as a mother, and the disappointment I felt, because those moments contain true, raw, honest human emotion.  People always say you should forget the bad.  But the bad is what makes the good that much better.  The bad happens in life.  And looking back, it wasn’t necessarily bad. I can’t put it into words at the moment.  I am still trying to process some parts of the experience.  I am coming to terms with some of the bad, and completely and utterly overjoyed with the good.  All of it, as a whole, is good.

1 comment:

  1. Mary, I have to reiterate how amazing it is to watch this transformation in your life! You are now the woman you were always meant to be! You are doing such an amazing job with Rose! So proud of you!